I am out of time. My days are filled. I have a digital calendar that keeps my schedule straight...and when I look at that screen filled with color-coordinated to-dos I can't help but feel nostalgic for my younger days--like when I was 20.
When I was 20 years old I had no television set, no cell phone, no computer. I lived alone in a state where I had no relatives. I was smoking copious amounts of marijuana and expanding my horizons with psychedelics. I worked at shitty jobs that earned me enough money to pay for shitty apartments, and once a year I would drive half-way across the country to visit my parents and friends that were "back home".
Life was simple, relatively speaking. I have memories of entire days where I had not a single obligation. The only decision-making I needed to put forth was regarding lunch entrees and public park destinations. My time was mine to spend.
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When I was 20, I had no children that needed feeding. I could eat if I wanted to. Or not. I could spend all night doing something completely unproductive without feeling anxiety and crushing guilt. I had no curfew. I loved Denny's. I didn't need much, but I had a lot. School was only a way to pass time. Coffee shop poetry was a better way. I was on the cusp of legal drinking and foaming at the mouth for it. My horizons were exploding with new experiences and new meetings. I couldn't wait to wake up in the... afternoon.
ReplyDeleteboy, things change. but how i must learn to love every day, now, while my children are children. and i'm younger right now than i'll ever be again. my skin, not so wrinkly. my hair, not gray. my upper lip and chin still free from whiskers. my parents are still alive and i'm not yet a republican. the life is sweet with great things to come--even thru the recent miseries.
i remember at 25 saying, "we can choose elation!" why does it seem like foolish prattle now, when i know it still to be true?